rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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