I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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