thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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