If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
