omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
