last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
