i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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