I think I died a long time ago.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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