I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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