Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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