Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
