the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
