I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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