fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
