Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
