do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
