I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I feel like abortions should bother me more
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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