nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
