I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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