i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
