i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
