hotel room ftw
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
