I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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