I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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