I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize