I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
