Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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