Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I want a musical about memes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
