The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
