At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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