look no pants
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
