Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
