I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
