I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
