all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
