Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
