You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
