At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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