new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize