An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
