there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
FUCK WHALES
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
