hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
