I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
