Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
