hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
