Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
