I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize