Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
