1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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