Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
