He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
