last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my phone needs a breathalizer
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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