she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
