Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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