he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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