he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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