i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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