tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
